Dear Curious,

Germany hates Wal-Mart.

The very same person who has encouraged me into writing a blog and has further encouraged me to try to make it interesting as opposed to completely self-serving has also warned me that those who use their blog to whine and bitch about why they don´t get everything their way are quickly discarded as the ugly crap they write. Thus, this wise person has saved you from much gnashing of teeth. So instead of crying about my pathetic experience, I am instead writing a cautionary guide for would-be travelers and a fragmented tale of hilarity for those who enjoy seeing others humiliated and convulsing with fear.

I´ve spent many years turning my grocery shopping into a coordinated dance, charging through the self-checkout lane in a masterful glissade cutting through the cumbersome masses. So I was very hesitant to enter Germany´s stores since I was aware that the familiarity that gave me such grace in America was certain to be absent, making me no better than the grandma in front of you who pulls out her checkbook and then, after searching for a good while, asks if she can borrow a pen.

So here´s why you´ll be pleading for a Wal-Mart after you stop by your local German grocery:

1) Don´t expect to see a single familiar brand. If you´re lucky, the pickle jar will still be see-through, which will be endlessly helpful if you don´t understand German. If it looks like octopus, it´s probably just sauerkraut, but it´s best not to get it, all the same.

2) No family-sized packaging here. All the pre-packaged meat comes in 100g portions so you know that 30% of what you´re paying for is plastic. I think this also has something to do with why they´re so skinny. Likewise, you can´t buy even 2 bars of soap in the same package.

3) You´ll probably put this unpleasant business off for a while so that when you get there you´ll have a lot of stuff to get. DON´T DO THIS! The first couple of times you go through the line, get 1 or 2 items. This will make you less susceptible to the horrors they have in store for you at the checkout. Unlike the broken spirits at Wal-Mart who have to show at least some similitude of courtesy when you screw up, these people are obviously trained to let you know that you´re a complete asshole.

4) The checkout attendants are very efficient. This would please us in America, but in Germany they don´t bag your items so you´re an asshole for trying to bag your frozen items all in separate bags from you´re squishy vegetables as they zip each item past the scanner at light speed.

5) Of course your first time through you´re not even sure how the hell you´re supposed to bag your stuff up because they don´t provide bags for you at all. You know that crazy initiative to use less plastic on grocery bags we have in America? Yeah, completely compulsory in Germany. They´ll sell you a crappy bag as your your items first stack up just beyond the scanner and then spill out onto the floor as the cashier and everyone behind you starts to become seriously convinced that you are a total ignoramus... and asshole.

6) It turns out that it´s an important thing to check before you go in with a big long list of things to get and no cash in your pocket, whether they take credit cards or not. I´m not yet certain why Germany is so far behind America on accepting electronic payments, but they are. Note that they are behind, but to every single person, impatiently waiting for you to stop being an idiot American, you are undoubtedly the biggest asshole on the planet for not being able to pay for this ever-growing mountain of cans and bottles of stuff--whose contents you are genuinely unsure of--that are piling up at your feet because you don´t even have a bag to put them in!

Some days are harder than others, is all.

On a side note, as I end this, and as you contemplate how nice it will be to go to a familiar store in the near future, please put it on your "to do" list to smile at someone. Don´t just smile around them, hoping they´ll notice, but direct it straight at them so that there´s no way they can escape it. What you´re likely to get back, if you can manage to make it a genuine smile and prevent yourself from instead delivering a frightening grimace, is a reaction of slight shock and perhaps a moment of appreciation, and if you are very lucky, a smile in return.

Cherish this return. Because this is unheard of in Germany.

I played around with smiling directly at people today and yesterday and found that 98% of all people have absolutely mastered the sudden eye glaze, followed by a 60 degree head turn just before eye contact can be made. The person, even standing still and directly in front of you, can then somehow continue to avoid eye contact even as you actively try to engage them almost indefinitely. This is very different from Texas. Just try it out and see what I mean. People are reluctant in Texas, but not frightened.

In the future, look for significantly more upbeat posts such as Berlin Graffitis Tradition into Oblivion, and Ruthless Killers are Hungry, Too.

Come on Germany! I´m trying to look up to you here.